IkuShun Desiree Webster offers a reflection on Dogen's Bendowa, the Wholehearted Way.
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Desiree's Talk Notes:
Dear friends,
Thank you for joining me this evening as we continue our summer series on Dogen. I titled this talk, “the self that is only the self” and we will explore this line, from Uchiyama Roshi’s commentary as we go along.
I’ve been studying “Bendowa,” Dogen’s short text with the commentary by Uchiyama Roshi, with my teacher, Ryushin Andrea Thach and our small cohort. Our Dharma group moves slowly, savoring and pondering the teachings, giving time to really soak up meaning. We stop at many paragraphs and allow them to be stepping off points for our exploration of Dogen and the Dharma. As I talk a bit tonight about Bendowa and the commentary, maybe some of you may gain an interest in this short work, if you haven’t already had a chance to explore it.
Bendowa was written in 1231 and while Fukanzazengi gives much practical instruction for sitting Zazen, Bendowa, for me, feels much more about the joy of Zazen, on the cushion and in the whole of our lives, and the underlying reality that we are “already in the Way”—that we are never apart from the “Way…” and that we are never separate from all beings.
Dogen often emphasizes the joy of Zazen. The first paragraph of Bendowa reads, “All buddha-tathagathas together have been simply transmitting wondrous dharma and actualizing Anuttara Samyak Sambodhi for which there is an unsurpassable, unfabricated, wondrous method. This wondrous dharma, which has been transmitted only from buddha to buddha without deviation, has as its criterion jijuyuzanmai [self-fulfillment dharma joy].”
I also want to think about Dogen’s phrase “to study the self is to forget the self, and to forget the self is to be informed by myriad things…” in the context of our discussion on “the self that is only the self.”
Here is the next paragraph or two from Dogen’s Bendowa:
“…Disporting oneself freely in the samadhi [of self fulfillment—dharma joy “jijuyuzanmai”] and practicing zazen in an upright posture is the true gate. Although this dharma is abundantly inherent in each person, it is not manifested without practice, it is not attained without realization. When you let go, the dharma fills your hands; it is not within the boundary of one or many. When you try to speak, it fills your mouth; it is not limited to vertical or horizontal. Buddhas continuously dwell in and maintain this dharma, yet no trace of conceptualization remains. Living beings constantly function in and use this dharma, yet it does not appear in their perception.
The wholehearted practice of the Way that I am talking about allows all things to exist in enlightenment and enables us to live out oneness in the path of emancipation. When we break through the barrier and drop of all limitations, we are no longer concerned with conceptual distinctions.”
I remember a quote from my then teacher, Eileen Kiera: “the great reality is continuously manifesting itself through each of us…” I created a journal page with that image…
The great reality manifesting itself through each of us is a deeper truth. As we read in the commentary on Bendowa, by Uchiyama Roshi (Shohaku Okumura Roshi’s teacher), he keeps bringing up that we are all living out “the self that is only the self.” What does that mean, “the self that is only the self?”
How could it be otherwise? In Zen, we often talk about the “two truths”—the truth that we live in a conditioned world, and the truth that we are always also in the unconditioned. Form is emptiness…emptiness is form. So when we talk about “the self that is only the self”, is it the conditioned self?...is it the unconditioned self?...is it both…or is it one?...let’s explore a little…
When we look at the world of the conditioned, we sometimes think that the world is one world and we are on that stage. Uchiyama talks about how we look at a cup on the table at the same time as our partner, for instance. We think we are seeing the same cup, experiencing the same cup as well as the same backdrop. Right now, as I write this, I am sitting here on a lovely deck, in the mountains, at the height of summer, with the smell of pines and sound of the wind in the trees. I may think that I am experiencing the same thing as my spouse, sitting here also--at this same place and at this same time. But, my experience, and thus my world, is not the same as his. It never is. His whole world, his whole life are unique to him, as my world is to me. I am experiencing everything through this self that is only the self.
This unique self, contains all of my perceptions, my delusions, my fears, also my joys, my aspirations, my understanding…Uchiyama says “everyone is born with the world of the self only, lives out life with the original life force of the self that is only the self and dies with the whole world. This is an extraordinary idea from the common point of view. You cannot understand it easily, but it is true. As a matter of fact, whether you understand it or not, whether you believe so or not, this is reality. In the same manner, when we study the buddha-dharma, to study Buddhist terminology [intellectual study] is not nearly enough.” Uchiyama says, “we should study life itself, which exists as the foundation of Buddhism. We never actually live within the common society we create through reifying abstract concepts, as we usually believe…we must thoroughly become a person living out the self that is only the self or we cannot embody the genuine buddha-dharma.”
You may be thinking “well, how could we NOT live out this self that is only the self? We only have this one life to experience everything” and in a sense this is true. However, if we are lost in distraction, if we are not really HERE in this present unfolding, we are not really experiencing this life. Uchiyama Roshi says, “Although we always think that we are really living, as a matter of fact we are not living out the reality of life. It is essential to become aware of this fact. Well then, in what way are we living? In a word, each and every one of us lives by treating abstract concepts as real. We live in a fabricated life filtered through our delusions, fantasies, pre-conceived notions, factors handed down to us through generations…
I remember Thich Nhat Hanh talking about being present to eat your hamburger—if you are distracted by your movie or something on your phone, or even your own thoughts—about what you need to do in the future—you miss experiencing your hamburger completely! It’s gone before you know it and you don’t even remember experiencing it.
We are living out this life that is unique to each of us, including our delusions, including our misperceptions, our conditioning…but as we practice with “studying the self” with mindful awareness, we can see how all of these constructs influence and color us. When we have an awareness around the way our mind works, it is easier to be present for a self that is only the self—in our conditioned world, and also touch a deeper“self that is only the self”—the ground of our being that is connected with everything—the great reality self. We are never apart from this. In our small self that is only the self, we have preferences and opinions and concepts. This is the world of conditions, but as we practice, we open to a self without preferences, where there are no opinions, or labeling or ideas. We continue with these human thoughts, bubbling up—but we realize that our constant thinking processes are “brain secretions” as Uchiyama puts it. They are not things we are trying to get rid of but we can “open the hand of thought”—Uchiyama’s famous saying--more and more. Some popular writers during the Meiji period in Japan, according to Uchiyama, taught to attain enlightenment by transforming delusion. However, Uchiyama says this is not correct. It may be easier to understand, he says, but it is not what Buddhism teaches. In Buddhism, the dichotomy of delusion and enlightment is transcended from the very beginning. We have to practice and actualize right now, right here the buddha-dharma (reality of life) that transcends both delusion and enlightenment. This is great enlightenment. Uchiyama is pointing to a place that is deeper than comparisons; always there but unrecognized by the discriminating mind.
There are many layers of realization and understanding, and when my mother died—I don’t know how it happened—for 4 days I was living in a place deeper than my usual constructs. I was being held by a place in myself where all of the trivial dynamics of my relationship with my mother were completely nonexistent. I was experiencing every action from a place below the waves—from a deep still place of love. It wasn’t as though I couldn’t function, or that I stopped thinking, but I was doing everything from this free flowing place; everything I did as I prepared for her memorial, I did from that place. Somehow it was such a gift to me. And I knew that I wouldn’t be in that place forever. It showed me that everything comes and goes and I believe that even when there is a deeper realization, it is not a permanent, unchanging thing. And it was a mystery to me. I didn’t will myself to be in that place! That is why Dogen believed, too, that it is continuous practice. He saw that even though the Buddha had a wondrous, perfect realization, he still continued to practice Zazen for the rest of his days…same with Bodhidharma.
Here is a bit more of Dogen’s words from Bendowa:
“When one displays the buddha mudra with one’s whole body and mind, sitting upright in this samadhi even for a short time, everything in the entire dharma world becomes buddha mudra, and all space in the universe completely becomes enlightenment. Therefore, it enables buddha-tathagatas to increase the dharma joy of their own original grounds and renew the adornment of the way of awakening. Simultaneously, all living beings of the dharma world in the ten directions and six realms become clear and pure in body and mind, realize great emancipation, and their own original face appears. At that time, all things together awaken to supreme enlightenment and utilize buddha-body, immediately go beyond the culmination of awakening, and sit upright under the kingly bodhi tree. At the same time, they turn the incomparable, great dharma wheel and begin expressing ultimate and unfabricated profound prajna. [wisdom]
This quote by Dogen is reflecting the understanding that within the larger self that is only the self, this “Buddha nature” is innate with in everything. It includes the separate self that is unique to each of us but it is universal. We don’t “each have” a unique Buddha nature. We are all are a part of this universal buddha nature. This is why, when one of us awakens, we all awaken.
Dogen continues: “Therefore, even if only one person sits for a short time, because this zazen is one with all existence and completely permeates ALL time, it performs everlasting buddha guidance within the inexhaustible dharma world in the past, present, and future.
[Zazen] is equally the same practice and the same enlightenment for both the person sitting and for all dharmas. The melodious sound continues to resonate as it echoes, not only during sitting practice, but before and after striking sunyata [emptiness—or—the complete interdependence of all things], which continues endlessly before and after a hammer hits it.”
In his teachings, Dogen really emphasized that buddha-nature is inherent in all things…not just me, not just humans, not just sentient beings—but all things. He says, “at this time, because earth, grasses and trees, fences and walls, tiles and pebbles, all things in the dharma realm in ten directions, carry out buddha work; everyone receives the benefit of wind and water movement caused by this functioning, and all are imperceptibly helped by the wondrous and incomprehensible influence of buddha to actualize the enlightenment at hand.”
Uchiyama says “we study buddha-dharma on the basis of our own lives, and we practice zazen on the basis of the buddha-dharma. Having this attitude is a crucial matter, for in many cases people do not think of—or look at their own lives, therefore they cannot understand the buddha-dharma, and in the end, even if they practice zazen, they deviate from genuine zazen…we sit as the self of the entirety of dharmas, as Dogen Zenji said. Sitting as the self that is only the self, we sit within jijuyuzanmai. Since zazen is jijuyuzanmai, all the myriad dharmas lie within the self. Therefore the self allows everything to become enlightened, and everything allows the self to be enlightened. This is true self-awakening and awakening of others. The enlightenment of jijuyuzanmai lacks not even a speck of dust. The standard of enlightenment never ceases to be actualized.”
For me, this is an inspiration to continuously study the self—and continuously practice zazen. It is not for the goal of attaining something, but for the joy of practice-realization. By observing my mind and my thoughts, my concepts and ideas, slowly I can release my grip on everything, and open this hand of thought. I think that the more I genuinely live my unique life in awareness, the more I open my life to this underlying greater self that is always here.
Uchiyama Roshi says, “for a true practitioner, there should be no gap between outward appearance and reality…. this is especially important for a person who practices zazen as the self that is only the self. To practice zazen is to practice the reality of self. If reality and outer appearance are different, the person’s practice is no good at all. There is no success and failure in the reality of the self. Just be as it is. We are totally liberated. The self that is only the self is itself absolute enlightenment, and yet as the original life force, it possesses original practice in its original face. Just be the original life force and keep going on to purify yourself endlessly within the life force. This is true practice.
When we practice the reality of the self that is absolute enlightenment to the end, enlightenment and practice cannot be separate. Practice and enlightenment are one.”
So, I will end my talk here. I would like to offer something for small group discussion:
You can choose to talk about one of the following:
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Uchiyama Roshi says, “for a true practitioner, there should be no gap between outward appearance and reality…. this is especially important for a person who practices zazen as the self that is only the self. To practice zazen is to practice the reality of self. If reality and outer appearance are different, the person’s practice is no good at all.
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Dogen says, “at this time, because earth, grasses and trees, fences and walls, tiles and pebbles, all things in the dharma realm in ten directions, carry out buddha work; everyone receives the benefit of wind and water movement caused by this functioning, and all are imperceptibly helped by the wondrous and incomprehensible influence of buddha to actualize the enlightenment at hand.”
